Saturday, August 8, 2015

A Very Sarcastic Take On The Madh Island Police Incident

Where terrorist attacks have somewhat become a quadrennial event, brave souls of the Maharashtra Police Department are focused to solve a much more serious issue, premarital sex. These superheroes with INSAS rifles are hell-bent on ‘protecting’ the society from the dangers of unregulated love making. Why shouldn’t they? What would the kids learn? Yeah, it’s okay for children to see dogs being picked up from streets and killed in Kerala but god forbid if they see their parents holding hands or even show love whatsoever. Even if they have to waste the first half hour of every superhero movie trying to comprehend a complicated origin story, we should never expose them to the horror of how they originated. For readers who are wondering what the hell this piece is about, here’s a short recap.

Maharashtra Police has recently raided hotels in Madh Island and Aksa area to arrest 40 couples. Were these couples dealing drugs? Not really. Were they plotting the next terror attack, which would leave the streets of Mumbai bloody and terrorize the Mumbai population for approximately a week before everyone gets on with their daily lives forgetting it ever happened? Well, no. Then they must have at least been running a kidnapping racket? No, they were guilty of committing a much more heinous crime. They being consenting adults, were believed to be having sex without proper documentation and parental guidance. Even though there is no clear evidence they were, let’s assume for a moment that they were committing this ghastly sin. They were beaten, humiliated, and forced to call their parents and declare their passionate endeavors. I know what my father would have said if he ever received such phone calls from me, ‘‘Ohh good to know you’re having sex, mujhe to laga tu sala saant ho jayega’’. If Maharashtra Police can have their way, in no less than 4 years, sex will completely be a regulated affair overseen by parents. “Beta missionary ho gaya, now move on to doggie, kitna sanskari  hain hamara ladka”

How Is This A Case Of Public Indecency?

Well, the hotel is on a public road and the rooms were part of the hotel. Therefore, anything that goes inside those rooms must be considered a public act. Following that logic, beware next time you go to the pooper to take a dump or you might be charged with public defecation. Because your apartment is on a public road and your flat being part of the apartment…..get the idea.

My Advice To Maharashtra Police

Before my genius advice, let me ask a simple question. How do you guys prioritize tasks? I am guessing you people have heaps of unsolved files on rapes, murders, thefts, and kidnappings. I mean which one of you intellectuals woke up from mid-afternoon slumber and suddenly  decided to gear up a raid party for something that’s not even a crime? The conversation might have gone somewhat like this.

Intellectual Cop (IC): Aj is desh se pre-marital sex hata denge!
Foolish Cop (FC): Per sir Chotta Shakeel city se bhag raha hain
IC: That can wait. Let’s first address this issue. Oye lao re Ganga jal!
FC: But sir…

If this is how work gets prioritized, there are host of other ‘crimes’ that need your attention. For example, why don’t you guys seriously consider raiding kindergartens and start arresting toddlers for public urination? This move will not only teach kids at a very early age to fear government officials but will also destroy any smidgen of self-respect that might have accidentally developed in their minds.

My Advice To The Adults Who Were In The Hotel Rooms:

Pool your money together and hire a lawyer. Make sure to take the receipt for all the fines you were forced to pay. Any lawyer with half a dozen brain cells should be able to prepare a case that would screw the happiness of these Khaki-clad hooligans. If society tries to outcast you, let them. Contact me I will be your friend for life. No seriously, I actually will.